"When it comes to doing what we know to be God' will, we do not dare say: I will not! So we say: I cannot. Is this any less rebellious? If it is God's will that you do it, how is it possible that you cannot?"
I made bagels this morning. The dough I made last night in a four hour burst of activity that produced bagel dough, a poolish sponge for bread I've yet to make, apple crisp, and chicken dumpling soup. We are praying very hard this week for some things we desperately want, and it is easier to pray and work, than to sit and pray and let the mind wander into its uncertainties. Making bagels, and baking in general, are excellent distractions; it requires so much attention, and, even when the recipe is followed exactly, there is a certain amount of magic involved in a successful outcome. My bagels are now piled: hot, chewy, and beautiful on a plate in the kitchen, and I feel as thought I've called down the moon.
It is sometimes difficult to know God's will in a situation, particuarly when we overthink. I find that when I am working and praying, God's will is able to sneak into my mind and make itself at home before I have the chance to second-guess. I end up not so much deciding that this is God's will, but settling into it naturally.
It is hard though to pray for God's will on something we are passionate about, because their is the chance that God's will is not at all what our will is at the time, and then we do feel like saying: I cannot to God. I cannot accpet Your will, give me mine. How rebellious, how very like the devil we sound, and yet it's so easy to fall into, and to justify; I am a good Catholic, but I cannot accept the Churches teaching on....I've tried, but I cannot.
All the same, I am hopeful that my will is in line with God's will this week, our I will be baking often next week, to bake my way into understanding.