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| Martine Johanna, website |
Christie has her Fairy-Tale prompt up again! It runs through this Friday, and then another will begin.
There is a lot I like in this poem, and a lot I feel very uncertain about (the whole second stanza is especially subject to moodiness and editing). The prompt Christie gave (Martine Johanna's image on the right) is fascinating, and I just fell into a tiny part of the overall picture.
Advice, edits, critiques, and comments are always appreciated, even if you write something like "Oh Masha, oh no..no, no, no..".
Where Dreams Wait
Night builds her stars
from heartache,
and all the tears lonely women lose
holding arms too full of longing.
Under the half-moon
rising; she gathers in
long fingers full of silver, to burn-
votive, against the dark sky-song,
until all hang waiting
for that moment
when, falling they call
all our dreams to life.
First two lines--SOLD.
ReplyDeleteNext two lines--sold even more. This is a killer first stanza.
You might not need the word "lonely" there because the next line really speaks "lonely" without having to name it. It's incredibly powerful. How can one's arms be "too full of longing"? The paradox compounds the emptiness. Gives me goosebumps.
The second stanza is beautiful as well. I like that the half moon is rising, not just there. The silver votives is a surprising but simple image. And the sensory-crossing of the sky as music.
Just a thought here--you could make it a more specific song, like an anthem or a ballad (or what is the name for a mourning song? it escapes me right now), if you think it would enhance, not distract. But the alliteration has a nice sound as it is.
In the third stanza, I think "falling" needs a comma after it? Their hanging and waiting gives a great feeling of not-being-settled or content. Something to look forward to--they're falling is a positive thing.
I would like to see the last line embellished. The call of "dreams to life" is such a hopeful, important moment, the word "life" doesn't seem a big enough word for it, since it can be used in so many less-than-flattering connotations. My inclination is to want something more triumphant, even mystical, like "incarnation." But now I'm thinking you might be aiming for this so-subtle-as-to-be-almost-unnoticed type of revelation, which is nice too.
It's beautiful, Masha. c:
Thanks Christie!
DeleteI think you're right about "lonely"..I'm glad you liked the second stanza, it kept me up a bit figuring it out ;)..and especially the votives (I'd been playing so long with a cigarette image and it was failing awfully!)..
Mourning songs are laments..right? That'd be kind of fascinating.. I have lots of trouble controlling rhythm though, I have no musical sense whatsoever..but I'll mess with it, I love the Idea of it..
I'm wondering if I should alter the words before the calling dreams to life, to sort of set it off instead of the words themselves..thoughts on that??? But yeah, the last line needs..something better than I've given it for sure :) Thanks for hosting this again!
I say . . . go for it, absolutely. Take it apart, put it back together again, massage it. That's one of the most fun and fruitful parts of the creative experience!
DeleteVery beautiful! I didn't think too much of her facial expression, but it does rather look like one of longing, and I can see her being quite sad (though I wouldn't call your poem sad!).
ReplyDeleteWell done!
Thanks Kelly!
DeleteI have to admit, I didn't think much of here expression either..I just sort of looked at the image as a whole and not in detail, as sort of a guide, but not to measure against..I'm glad it fits!
I've read your lovely contribution as well, and am almost ready to comment, I think! :)